Shutting Off
Shutting off parts of oneself isn't simple. You kick and squirm, you erase yourself at every turn, so it's not a sharp dagger you point towards everyone.
When the stimulus is not getting a response, constantly, you feel you need to delete. Where does it go, though?
I've found that most of my deletions come back as anger. Bottled anger, explosive anger: hate, rage. That the deletions are not binned, they're just suspended. They tend to come back, manifest themselves otherwise.
Anger, in a way, has always shaped me and is my resort. I've become angrier as I've aged, instead of becoming steadier; instead of learning how to bottle up without manifestation. Some things, urges, are just stronger than a conscious mind can handle.
I haven't had a good dream in a while. There's always something there, just waiting for my mind to supposedly settle and then explode inside. And Dreams have shaped big parts of my life. I've made choices based on dreams, because I know how to appease my demons. You can't let them take over your unconscious mind without it destroying you in your waking life. When I recall it, some of the best choices I've ever made, that enabled me to live unscathed, have been based on my dreams. Hence, why I always put such weight on them.
Also why, when I had to reinvent myself, I chose the moniker "Onyros". I'd suffered through the biggest disappointment I could've ever had and resurfaced as Him. Incomplete, being shaped as I dreamt and as I awoke. At first, an intention; eventually, a life choice. To know that the waking life would never be enough, and that within dreams I lived more than I ever could. Years within hours of unconsciousness.
I came to a point where I couldn't discern the differences between what I had dreamt and what I had "lived". I lived full lives within my dreams. I did that consciously, in pursuit of that space, so I seeked to erase myself from the days and lived within my nights. Meaning, I seeked to live more within the dreaming than within the waking. I used alcohol to achieve that, purposefully seeking excess to erase/delete/remove myself from myself. I think I was in a coma more than once, and no one else knows.
Dreams within dreams within dreams. I know I was there. Thoroughly outside myself.
And when I shut parts of myself off, I know I'll catch those parts of myself within those dreams, eventually. I haven't had a good dream in a long time. I hope to catch those good parts of myself I tend to shut off as well there.
I desperately need them. Grant me good sleep, Onyros. Shape good dreams for yourself. I long to see you fully there, again. Come back to yourself awhile.
I miss myself.