Disrepair
How long has it been since you last had the will and the power, at the same time?
Energy conservation is not even an excuse anymore -- even when you used to do it mindfully, aware of your limits due to your disease. You've been at your limit for too long, but you've always had at least one to sustain the other: the will or the sheer power, mustered from your insides, at great expense.
When you get to the point you have none, how do you crawl through? Where do you muster just enough to power through? What did at great expense truly mean to you, when you used the very words wilfully?
You've broken yourself, yet you feel abandoned by yourself. Your criticized yourself throughout, you beat yourself fucking down. You didn't calculate that at your expense, meant at your expense. You wore yourself down, and now there are no reserves left.
Yet, you can't stop. You need to keep going. But you're drawing from finite resources, and if you don't stop, you can't replenish. Stopping makes you stop feeling strong. You've never afforded to let yourself feel weak -- though in your mind, you always call yourself weak, a piece of shit, for not being able to handle it all. Particularly when you can't handle what you've dealt your very self.
You feel you can't move anymore. You're knee-deep in quicksand, and your weight is just dragging you down. You feel that if you stop resisting, you'll just get swallowed and disappear completely. There's comfort in the disappearance, though, like a merciful suicide. But when you still have enough in you that you want to put up a fight, you move too quickly and you get dragged further down.
You've neglected to act upon it all, because you'd rather not look at your picture and see the accumulated corruption; you'd rather not have to stab it to feel something, too.
You've exhausted yourself. You have no idea how to crawl back. You've relied on yourself, all alone, for too long, that you just wish you could relinquish this to someone else, but don't know how to. For the first time in a long time (forever?) you wish you could put yourself in the hands of another and say: "Solve this for me, I don't want to drive anymore."
But you just don't know where to start. Nor where you'll end up.